'Talk about Postnatal Depression Tuesday' - A partners perspective of Postnatal Depression

Today's 'Talk about Postnatal Depression Tuesday's' post is written by Ian White. He shares with us what it is like for those caring for us. Please support me in Thanking Ian for being a brave man and sharing his story with us. Show this to your partners as well, they might find comfort or support in Ian's words ~ Christina

A partners perspective of Postnatal Depression

By Ian White

"Christina asked me to write about PND from a partners perspective after finding me on a group for Dad’s who’s partners suffered from PND . I’ll have to give a bit of a history to this before going into more detail about my side of things and how I’ve felt through it . I only want this to be about my perspective of it and how I would have liked things to have gone and what I would have liked to be able to do. 

Postnatal Depression is a horrible disease that affects everyone in the family, not just the diagnosed person and treatment needs to include everyone in the family too. 
I know I did things wrong but faced with no information and zero input I still believe I did the best I could. I realise my wife was at the very extreme end of the scale with PND but I am hoping some of you, and your partners, can see parts of what we went through in your own situations to see you aren’t alone in this and what PND can do to a previously happy , normal and intelligent woman . 
I was 34 and my wife 37 when our eldest son was born and we were both quite stable and worldly people, I have a background in civil construction and am used to managing time, resources and people.

My former wife (we’ve been separated for 18 months now) has suffered from severe Postnatal Depression since the birth of our first child who is about to turn 6, however she was not diagnosed until a couple of years later, and at the time was 7 months pregnant with our second son . 
I knew from the start something wasn’t right and suspected PND (well, to be honest I thought it had to be PND) but it was a taboo topic and couldn’t be discussed. My wife is a highly intelligent woman and a specialist doctor and as they say doctors make the worst patients. 
My feelings were that she was scared of the repercussions of people she dealt with professionally finding out she was suffering. She was telling family and friends that she was having trouble coping because I was doing anything to help and deliberately stopping her from sleeping. I was a full time stay at home dad for the first 4 ½ years doing everything including staying up to do any night feeds, up until 2am with bottles of EBM and then back up at 5 for the morning bottle etc.

Various things took us to a marriage counselor who was really good and got her to agree to go and see a doctor and psychologist about PND. The psychologist diagnosed PND and started treatment. 
The only thing is my wife told the psychologist that she was only getting 3 hours sleep per day etc as opposed to the 16 hours she was getting. She refused medication as it was only sleep deprivation and nothing more serious, 18 months later she gave in and took medication as the psych could see it wasn’t just sleep . 

All the way through I was forbidden to talk to her doctors and psychologist's and also wasn’t to mention PND to any family or friends . Through this she was telling the same story to everyone as to how I wasn’t helping or supporting her and she was just in a slump because of it . Move on another 2½ years and another couple of marriage counselors later (the others were wrong and had nothing to offer ….) and my wife wanted to have a trial separation which the counselors oversaw, then my wife wanted it to be permanent and that was that.

The last 4½ years we were together was a very difficult and dark period, my wife had completely shut down to me, her only communication other than teary screaming about what I was doing wrong was to post on a mothers board based in the US as to how useless I was and then “accidentally” leave the page open (4 or 5 times a week) when there were enough responses about what they thought should be done to me . I was struggling enough coping with and understanding what was going on without that.
Any attempt at talking about it and how it made me feel was met with “how dare you read my posts” even though they were being left open for me to see. Everything she saw came through a heavy depression filter and no matter what anybody did she would find a negative side to it which would become a reason to resent the person. If a friend invited her out for a coffee she was only doing it to get her away from the house so I could go through her emails (I’ve never had her password or looked at them) or to try and catch her out that she wasn’t looking after either boy .. Or she had been asked out by her friend because I had told her about the PND, especially if the friend asked how she was going, to anyone else it was a natural question but the depression filter made her think I had been talking behind her back or had asked a friend to spy for me.

I did all the cooking (not most of it, I honestly mean all, she cooked 3 times in 4 ½ years) and would make her favourite comfort food’s when I could see she was at her lowest. If I left one plate or bowl at the table after dinner (if one of the boys hadn’t finished yet or I simply hadn’t got back to it) her depression would be saying that it was because I had made a gender based assumption that it was women's work and I thought she should be doing it and the resentment for that would build and the fact I had cooked a lamb roast the way she liked with all the trimmings was forgotten. If I took the boys somewhere by myself (though I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without them, they were not to be left at home with her) then I was planning to run away with them or was going to kill them to hurt her (this really cut me deeply, that she could believe I would or could harm my boys ), but whenever I was in the house I was spying on her or trying to find things that showed she was a bad mother so either way no matter what I did the resentment was building. 

My parents figured it out for themselves when they visited one day and watched my wife wash up the same lot of dishes 3 times taking from the drying rack 10 minutes after she had washed them and washing them again. The only time she did any housework was if anyone came over and then she would become a manic housemaid proving to them she was coping only to lock herself in the bedroom when they’d gone.

All of my hobbies, interests and social interactions were stopped, if I had half an hour to spend working on a car or something then it meant I hadn’t done housework or something else I should have done, if I met up with friends it was to talk about her or plan a way of taking the boys off her.  I really felt I was trapped in a nightmare, there was no one I could talk to face to face, either involved in her treatment or separately (all my activities were heavily monitored in case I told someone about it).  I did a google search on PND to try and find out more only to find the computer’s history was being checked daily and then to be told I didn’t need to know anything about it as it didn’t affect me and wasn’t my problem.  I was really feeling I was a prisoner to this disease as much as my wife was, the woman I had married wasn’t there anymore and she was replaced with this creature from some tacky soviet era prison movie. 

I really felt lost and confused as to how this could happen and also how it could happen so fast. When it finally came out as to what was going on I wanted to strangle the people who would simply say “it’s only the baby blues, she’ll get over it”, baby blues doesn’t go anywhere near describing what is involved and just what it can do to a person and a family. I had huge feelings of inadequacy and guilt that I couldn’t help her get through this no matter how hard I tried, but I also felt angry and frustrated that I wasn’t allowed to help and talk to the psychologist etc about what was happening and what could I do to help, I felt I had both hands tied behind my back and a blindfold on while trying to keep things together and care for her with no idea of what to do and everything I did was declared either wrong or not enough.

I did find support through a couple of friends, some interstate friends were best as it turned out as they weren’t seen talking to me etc. We kept in touch through a car forum’s Private Messaging function and I made sure to log out whenever I had finished and delete anything even hinting at what was going on. One mate had dealt with mental illness in his family his whole life and the other’s wife had suffered PND as well so they both knew the score and kept in touch and checked up on me regularly. I also found the facebook group I mentioned earlier for the dad’s who’s partners were suffering PND and it was a HUGE help to me. 
Sarah who started the group was brutally honest with her own PND experience and what it had done to her and her ex-husband and how little support there was for him. A mate who is also on there was a bit ahead of me with the separation and it really helped comparing notes as to what he had gone through and was going through with his wife and her illness. These 4 people really were my safety net, they didn’t judge anyone, just chatted and showed me what was happening wasn’t abnormal for the disease and I wasn’t alone trying to figure it out.

My wife has now told her workmates that PND ruined her marriage and it wasn’t my fault, but I would dearly love to hear her say that to me after so many years being the one blamed. I would also like to hear her say that she knew I tried but I can’t see that happening. I am still angry at what it has all cost her and us by her thinking she knew better than all the professionals and guiding them to the treatment she wanted instead of what she needed. 

To any of the women reading this who are suffering PND, please show this to your partner, it may help them open up to you about their own feelings of what it is doing to them as well as you. Postnatal Depression doesn’t just affect mum, it affects everyone in the family and everyone must be involved in the treatment if you are all to come out the other side of it together. In my own experience it breeds in darkness and feeds off silence, reach out to your partner because they’re probably hurting as much as you are, if not more. If you can see your partner helping or even just trying to help then please acknowledge them, let them know you can see it, it is really hard and emotionally draining to keep giving without receiving any feedback or love in return. 
Thank you for reading this, now go and hug your partner.
Ian.

If you or your partner would like to join the support page on Facebook, I have posted the link below. You just need to request to join. It's a great way for your partners to find support and not feel so alone in this illness.
Post Natal Depression - The forgotten ones - THE DADS

Have you spoken to your partner about your Postnatal Depression? Are they involved in your treatment?
Please find some links below to find treatment options, advice and support for Postnatal Depression and PLEASE let your partners research too, the more they understand about your illness, they more then can support you in the way you need them too.
Beer & Bubs - Childbirth Education and links
PANDA - Post and Antenatal Depression Association Inc.
Dad's Club
Beyond Blue

I know after reading Ian's story (I had to close off my 'PND' brain and look at it from an outsiders perspective) I will be trying to keep my partner more involved and hope that he opens up to me as well.
Thank you again Ian for sharing with us,
Christina xox
Mums Helping Mums Postnatal Depression Support Network
You can send an email to mumshelpingmumspnd@gmail.com