Today we share with you Kaye's journey through Depression. Kaye is a Single Mother of two adorable little girls.
Here is her story ~ Christina
As a single mum, with depression and bi-polar, 2 kids to 2 different dads (one that has the brain of a 14 yr old and who is non-existent and the other who thinks my way of parenting is wrong), I cant find a job, I'm 30 kg overweight, I don't have much support and my brain works like the Internet (a million miles an hour).
I could never find one of these 'moments', once again thinking 'Ill never get out of this hole'. I love my daughters, they are smart, well behaved (at times), I have a home (housing commission), a car (nice but not flash) and some nice things (I'm 26 and only just got my first brand new TV – through insurance mind you), but with all this i could never stop analysing everything, feeling guilty for everything, feeling judged, unappreciated or alone...all the time.
The last 18 months i have been seeing a psychologist because I'm trying to make a conscious effort to get out of ‘the hole’. One day i was sitting on the couch trying to stop the millions of thoughts running through my head, to the point where i had to sing a song out loud to be able to focus on one thing - and i thought, i simply cant do this part by myself, i need professional help, someone to tell me I'm doing a great job, someone to tell me that thought was right, i was right, and that other bitch of a personality is not right, how do I shut her up.
During my time with my psychologist, i have worked on all these negative thoughts that are burying me deeper and deeper and have slowly noticed each one of my triggers, that set me into bad thoughts or depression. These thoughts have now lessened to the point where i automatically think positively about the crappy situation that's about to come my way, (let me add this happens only once a day now, whereas it only used to happen maybe once a week).
It took me 6 months to have my brain automatically change one negative thought into a positive thought, but I never thought the day would come where i had to stop 'trying' - telling myself that its OK.
It's OK not to not play teacups and dress ups with the girls for 3hrs, and just because I don't, does not mean I'm not a good mum. I don't have to remind myself that just because your 2 yr old father didn't show up for his visit, means you have to eat that 1kg corned beef and veggies to cover up the pain you feel for your baby's disappointment.
I worked on every thought, and eventually it became automatic, i drilled it into myself that 'my kids can go out in the backyard and play with each other, i do not have to go and play with them right now cause I'm having time out, i cleaned their house, i gave them breakfast, i hugged them and told them Ive loved them, and we did one activity, we made cupcakes, that's it, there is nothing i can make myself feel guilty for, go away and play, lol. Bad thought gone.
At the moment that seems like a lot of things for some people, believe me Ive felt it, when i was in my darkest moment the only things i did every day was get out of bed when my 2 yr old woke up, get her weetbix in a bowl, put it on the floor in her room, put a movie on for her, and go back to bed, I only ever did the basics, got out of bed to take her to the toilet, got out of bed to change the movie, got out of bed to make her dinner, give her a shower and put her back to bed. I never thought I would get out of it.
We have worked on lots of thoughts and one thing i could never really feel was to find that special moment when you can just sit back and see the moment, feel why your still here.
And i have since been trying to find that 'moment' where i don't have any other thoughts coming in about, how I'm so tired, or the girls are fighting, or how am i going to find $2 for milk for brekky...
And i have since been trying to find that 'moment' where i don't have any other thoughts coming in about, how I'm so tired, or the girls are fighting, or how am i going to find $2 for milk for brekky...
Just now, I was sitting on the couch watching my midday movie when my 3 yr old came and sat next to me, pulled my hand onto her lap and held it, then my 6yr old came in from the backdoor, looked at me and Tyrah, and walked straight past and sat on the couch next to us. I thought to myself 'if Ty is sitting so nice and quiet next to me maybe i can get Mik to come and give me a cuddle at the same time, group hug family time, lol, so Mik comes on my lap and what do you know - they both stay exactly where they are, holding one of my hands each watching the TV. I took this time to physically smile and watch them, smelled their skin and hair, felt their cuddly arms and tummies as i cuddled them, and realised this was a 'moment', one that made me realise, we are all safe, healthy and happy, out of all the crappy, unimaginable things happening to us all at once right now, this i can be so grateful for, sometimes its the only thing that keeps me hanging on till the next day.
Movie finished, we agreed we would put on Casper in the lounge room and watch it all together, so i got up and thought 'i really want to remember that moment, and thought i should take a photo, BAM - instant negative thought 'im fat, i don't want anyone to see me so fat, pictures just depress me' and there it was, that recognition that 'IM GETTING BETTER' - i said 'screw what everyone else thinks, my kids just cuddled me and talked to me like i was the most beautiful person on the planet - that is what I'm taking the photo for, to remember that moment, the feeling that we were feeling when that photo was being taken, to hold onto that, so that when I get better and better, that feeling will become 75% of my day and not 5%... I'm gonna hang on to that to bring me out of some dark times and I'm sure there are a lot more to come, I say this as my 6 yr old sits on the couch and tells me she ‘hates everyone in her family’ because her sister is not playing the game right..... its hard everyday, but I’ll get there…
Kaye O'Keefe
Thank you so much Kaye for sharing such a positive story about finding the moments, being fully present exactly where you are and breathing in the positive thoughts. It's wonderful. So very glad that you got to a psychologist who could help you to do this. Keep going!
ReplyDeleteIt's both brave and very loving of you to share your story and help other mums and dads like this. You're changing your life, and the lives of your girls, one day at a time, and helping others do the same. It's brilliant.