Cancer took my Mummy away

What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, we may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

I'm about 9 years old and I remember hearing my Mum & Dad talking in hushed tones, they normally only do this when they are talking about something that we (kids) should not hear. I tried not to listen but I heard the word cancer and then hospital and felt sick.
I did not know what cancer was, I just knew that it made people sick and that some people die. Why were my parents talking about such things?

Fast forward to the next day, Mum, Dad, us three kids and I think my grandparents were sitting at the dinner table. This only happens when something serious happens. My first thought was that maybe my little brother had tried to put the cat in the toilet again, but I noticed the cat curled up on the step outside and felt sick again. As Mum & Dad spoke I heard the words Cancer & Hospital again.....only this time I heard the word Mummy. Mummy had cancer and she had to go to hospital. It was just a quick operation to remove a spot on her back that was making her sick, she would be back home in a few days and that was it.
And that's what happened, they cut the skin cancer off and sent her home. Everything went back to normal.

Fast forward 12 months (My time frame is a little sketchy).
Me, my little sister and brother were sitting in the back of our car, with my big sister or grandma (again memories are blurry) in the front and Mum driving us to the Melbourne show. We were so excited. Mum had to stop off at the doctors, something about X-rays she had of her head. I found this funny (being what 10 years old) because why would you get an x-ray of your head? I remember watching her walk into the doctor from the car and wondering if maybe Mummy wanted a new head, because I really liked her head, I planned to tell her this, but then I saw her looking very sad as she walked back to the car.
Mummy said we had to go back home, we could not go to the Show anymore. We got upset because we were so excited, but I soon shut up because I saw again that Mummy was sad. We drove home in silence. I remember hearing Mummy talking to my big sister or Grandma about her brain and that word again....Cancer. I felt sick, I cried, but pretended that I was mad because I could not go to the show.
When we got home Daddy was waiting. I'd heard enough in the car to know something scary was about to happen and that Mummy was sad and had not stopped crying. Mummy went into her room and kept crying. I stood at the door and stared outside. I felt sick, confused and scared. I was also worried about my brother & sister, maybe they were sad too? Should we all be sad? What was going on? Daddy came and told me off because I was being selfish for crying about not going to the show. He said I had to try and understand that Mummy was sick and that we could go next year. I did not tell Daddy why I was really sad, he should help Mummy stop crying.

I remember my little sister and me went for a walk, We did not say much to each other, just both lost in whatever place out heads were in. I do remember asking my sister if she thinks that Mummy would still be alive next year to take us to the show, we both agreed that we did not know.

The next few months were a blur of visits to the hospital, watching Mummy get her head bandaged, watching her be sick, watching her laugh, watching her cry, watching her try to make everything normal again. Always being there even when she was sick. I remember noticing one day that one side of her face did not move when she smiled. But she still sounded the same and smelt the same and laughed the same. Things started to get better again, we were all happy.

Things were normal again, I'm now 12 years old, I'm sitting in the front seat of the car while Mum goes into the office to grab something. I got bored and looked for something to read while I waited. I open the glove box and pulled out some pamphlets. There it was again.........Cancer. Breast cancer? I remember just feeling so overwhelmed, like my head was about to explode. I was old enough now to understand a little more, but not old enough to process all this CRAP. How much cancers were there? I was mad and felt sick.
Mum got back in the car, i handed her the breast cancer pamphlet and asked her if she had breast cancer, I stared at her eyes, she stared me back and said no, she was just having all the checks done. She did not want the doctors to miss anything again. I relaxed and back to normal we went.

Fast forward a few weeks, Mum came into my room and told me she had cancer again, but that it was nothing to worry about, it as in her cervix this time and that it was easily treated. She made jokes about how the radiation would make her grow a second head and a few more arms. I remember being totally OK.
Again i remember lots of trips to the hospital, Mum being sick, Mum being OK, Mum being sick, going shopping, picking us up from school, being sick, and all being OK again.

I turned 13, Mum, Dad, Grandma and Granddad, my little Sister and brother we there. Even my big sister and her husband were there. We had so much fun. Dinner, lots of family photo's and I remember Mum being so happy, I remember being so happy, but for some reason so very sad at the same time, like this would never happen again. I shoved those stupid thoughts out of my head.

The rest is a blur. The tumor came back in her brain again, they operated and treated her with chemotherapy. I remember lots and lost of trips to the hospital. I just always expected her to come home again, to get better like all the other times.
She did come home eventually after months and months of being so far away, but this time she came back with a tribe of nurses and hospital equipment. Instead of being sick and then being OK again, she was just sick. People were always in our house, it felt like I was living somewhere else, none of any of this made sense. Just take her back to the hospital you stupid doctors and make her better like all the other times!!!

It's a Thursday night, I had just got back from netball and was looking in the cupboards for something to eat. The house was full of people again, it always was. I never looked anyone in the face, their expressions always gave them away. I just kept my head down and pretended that none of this was happening. I heard Dad coming and tried to make an escape to my room....Too Late.
This is what I remember
"Sweety you know that your Mum is not going to get better..." I looked at him blankly. I remember hearing my voice, saying no she was going to get better, just like all the other times. He then told me that there was another tumor, there was nothing that they could do. Mum is very sick and she is very tired.
I think I died inside right there and then. Not just because I knew that she was leaving, but also because I just noticed how old my Dad suddenly looked.
Some women then talked to all of us at the table while the ambulance men got my mother onto the stretcher. I hated everyone of these people. I hated this women for sitting there like she cared, like knowing that Mum was going to die was OK, that we were allowed to be sad blah blah blah.
Get out of my house!!!

The ambulance officer wheeled Mum towards the door, he stopped and motioned to my Dad for us to come. Dad said it was time now to kiss Mummy good bye. We would go to the hospice tomorrow to see her again. I watched everyone kissing Mummy good bye. I remember looking at the women on that stretcher and not really seeing my Mummy there anymore, as if she was already gone. I kissed her and told her I loved her and went to bed. Maybe when I woke up, things would be OK again, we would go to the hospital in the morning and Mum would be sitting up and smiling again...right?!

On a Friday morning just after 9am, a Father, his 13 and 12 year old daughters helped their 6 year old bother into the car, waved goodbye to their Grandma and drove off to see their Mummy.

It's the most bizarre and serial feeling knowing that someone has just left the world. I can vividly recall walking into that hospital and as the doors opened I felt a sudden rush of warmth? peace? calm?....it's hard to describe. I was not scared, I was not anything. I felt like I had someone right next to me. I was walking in a dream.
I heard the words from the nurse, I saw my Dad's shoulders slump over, I saw the confused look in my sister and brothers eyes. I knew she was gone. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, but I don't remember feeling anything. I still felt like someone was holding me.
I remember my feet moving, following behind Dad, I looked up and there was my Mummy. She looked....So happy. Her eyes were closed, she was so very still, no more rasping breaths and heaving chest. She looked happy, peaceful and alive. I would not touch her, I did not want to feel her cold skin, I just wanted to remember every details of how she looked, because I had not seen her look this peaceful for such a long time.
She was gone.

My Mother, known to many as Jenny-Jane, was 37 years of age when she passed away from a long battle with Cancer. We were 13, 12 and 8.
I'm now 33 years old and still miss her as much as I did the day we said good bye.

I'm a very private person and do not talk about this very often in detail, but today I'm sharing my story with you, because there is a family out there right now, who are very close to having to say good bye to their Mummy. They need your generosity and love. They are 4 little souls who will be growing up without their Mummy and a husband who will loose the love of his life. She has 4 children aged from 5 years to 5 months old.

My heart goes out to the family. To the kids who will forever miss their Mummy and to the Father who will need your love and support to carry his kids through this.

If you are able to make a small donation to help the Coleman-Rupp Family, I know that it would be greatly appreciated. Please visit the link to their donation page on the Mycause website here (The Rupp Coleman Association).

I leave you with Rod Stewart. This was the song Mum left us with xox

Thank you for reading,
Christina

Join the Conversation #bePNDaware

Join the conversation #bePNDaware

Next week starting on the 18th November is Postnatal Depression Awareness week. There are 4 ways that you can get involved and join in the conversation.

1. Start Talking on Facebook.
Jump on over to the PANDA website here and copy the above postcard to your computer. Then all you have to do is share it on your private page, business page or Blog.

2. Start talking on your blog (If you have one)
Next week on this blog I will only be posting PND topics and I need your help!
What I aim to do is share 'What PND looks like to me'. If you have a picture, a poem, a personal story, or even if you can sum up your experience in 5 to 10 words. Send this through to me here at our email address (mumshelpingmumspnd@gmail.com), with your details (or if you wish to remain anonymous, that is totally OK). The more we have, the more awareness we can raise.
If you have your own blog, you can click here for information on how to link your post and PANDA's blogger guidelines.

3. Let your pictures do the talking on Instagram on Wed 21st November
On Wednesday 21st November we’d love you to share your photos on Instagram with the black and white filter and the hashtag #bePNDaware.
You can find my Instagram web profile here and if you have the Instagram app on your phone, you can search for me via my username mumshelpingmumspndnetwork.

4. Start talking on Twitter
The hashtag for the campaign is #bePNDaware so if you are sharing links or images or talking about postnatal depression then just include this hashtag in your tweets.

4 easy ways to get involved next week to help raise awareness for Postnatal Depression. By sharing you may just reach out to someone to get the help they deserve :-)
How will you be getting involved during Postnatal Depression Awareness Week? Will you be joining us on the blog next week?

For further information please visit the links below
 
http://www.panda.org.au/panda-events/postnatal-depression-week/416

http://www.brandmeetsblog.com/bmb-clients/supporting-panda-postnatal-depression-awareness-week/
http://www.brandmeetsblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/PANDA_FactSheet1.pdf

Thank you for reading,
Christina

In the words of a 4 year old

Interview with Zaccie

This is Zaccie, He's 4 years old, Full of beans and attitude, And he loves to be cheeky.

Who is your best friend: Tina!! (That would be me!)
No finished Mummy.............................
"My friends are Ethan & Tate and I like the Mummies too (Watch out!), Erica & Vicky. I have seen Daddies too, they are tall". And Hunter, he plays with me at Dana's work (Daycare) and we have same blood (I think he means because they are related). Also Lightning McQueen & Daddy are my friends and we like to jump & play in dirt (This explains Daddy pockets spilling dirt every time I go to wash them).


My Favorite Food is:
Runny macaroni...its yummy with sauce & Salad. (I don't ever recall him asking for salad...guess what he's having for dinner!)

What food do you think is yuck:
My dinner & Poo. Poo is funny, but yucky to eat. Puppy Poo is bad and not a biscuit (So glad he can tell a biscuit and a dog turd apart!)

I'm really good at:
Painting, Jumping, playing cars, planes and dirt...I really like dirt, not in my mouth No

My favorite toy is:
Cars with wheels & red Monsters



My Favorite Book:
Huff & Puff and Bear Hunting
 

                


When I grow up I want to be: go to work & drive Mummy car & drive boats

Why does the sun shine: Because it likes the rain

Where does the sun go when it gets dark outside: it goes to bed and dreams of cars, planes and dirt because i think the sun really likes dirt like me

Who's the coolest person on the earth? Zaccie is!!!

1 person who make me laugh: Dana

One word that describes me: weird (HaHa I cant disagree!)

I am really happy when: i go home

I am really sad when: Big girls wont play with me at the park and say Zaccie has germs (Let's keep it that way for a few more decades please!)

My worst nightmare: mummy fixes my bad dreams

Things that make me mad: not eating my toast, puppies look hungry so i have to share

I like my Dad because: He is funny, he does a good monster noise & reads good

I like my mummy because: she makes yummy toast & talks to Shazzy who is my friend too

Who's in your Family? The puppies & lightning mcqueen
 (right!)


And to share a giggle....This is a conversation Zaccie had with the Man at our local Milkbar this week                                      

Zaccie: My Mummy is working now
Milk bar Man: Ohhh Where?
Zaccie: She is making money at the Man place
Milk Bar Man raises his eyebrows at me: "Well we all have to make a buck somehow"
Me: No No No.....Not how it sounds,
Zaccie: Turns to me............Yes Mummy, Daddy told me that you work at The Man Shop to make money!

Thank you Zaccie, He now thinks I'm either a stripper or worse!!!
Needless to say we wont be back for ice-creams anytime soon!
And just to clarify I have started casual work for a Hardware retailer, it involves wearing lots of clothes.

What funny things have your children said? Have you sat down and asked your child some questions and just been amazed at how much they actually do know about their world around them?

Thank you for reading,
Christina

'Talk About our Postnatal Depression Tuesday' - A Book Review

 

'Talk About our Postnatal Depression Tuesday' - A Book Review

Beyond the Baby Blues
The complete Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Handbook
Written by Catherine Knox, Benison O'Reilly and Seana Smith.

When I first had my son I read many new parenting books. I was just trying to gain some understanding of what this new life was about, and to discover if what I was feeling was 'normal'. 

I wish Beyond the Baby Blues was published back then, instead of those sugar coated parenting books. It's written with absolute truth. It's blunt and realistic and I can see myself in all of the scenarios described throughout each chapter.

There is a whole world of information in this book, from Diagnosis, Treatment, Dads and Depression, Having another baby and most importantly personal testimonies in each section.

In chapter three 'How did this happen' it explains the personalty factors that can affect you, and wow there I am described under 'Perfectionist' personality types. "Whilst good organisational skills and attention to detail are rewarded in the workplace, parenthood requires a more easygoing, go-with-the-flow attitude". I had it all planned out in my head, everything was in order, had a place, I was ready to go! But then I had my son, nothing went to plan, he did not care that his room was all set up, he did not care that I needed a certain amount of sleep each day, he did not care about 'The Plan'. My life was a big mess of unorganised chaos! If Someone had said to me, "Just go with the flow", well damn I would have not been so bloody anxious all the time.

There is also information for your family and Friends in Chapter twelve - "How to help - Advice for family and friends". It is almost impossible to explain Postnatal Depression to others. If you have not been in our mindset, then you can never fully comprehend what we are going through. This chapter is a great way to explain to those around you what is going on, why you are feeling this way and how they can help you to get through it.

Right now I'm going to take a read over chapter eleven - "Having another baby' as some day in the near future I do hope that we can have a second and last child. Thanks to this book and the fantastic and honest authors, it's something that I can be more prepared for.

I highly recommend this book to not just Mothers and their families suffering from Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Disorders, but also to first time Mothers. It does not shatter your dreams of what it will be like, it tells you in an honest and heartfelt way that Motherhood is not a fairytale. It's not a huggies commercial, it's real and it's hard. If we all went into Motherhood prepared for the sleep deprivation, common health issues, difficult sleeping patters...then just maybe some of us might just be OK, or at least recognise the symptoms a little earlier and get that much needed help that you need.

You can purchase the book on the Exisle Publishing website here.
You can find out more information Here on the Beyond Baby Blues Website.

Thank you Seana Smith for allowing me to review Beyond the baby Blues and for allowing me to share this with others. Your hard work will help many Mothers and I thank you and your fellow authors for having the courage to speak up.





*I was not paid for this review, I received a copy from Seana Smith for review purposes and all opinions are my own.

You can find our support group here, Mums Helping Mums PND Support Network
For help and support please find links below
www.panda.org.au/
www.beyondblue.org.au/
www.gidgetfoundation.com.au/

Happy Fathers Day from Mums Helping Mums PND Support Network

Happy Fathers Day to all those wonderful men out there!

Meet My Father
You can call him Mr. Hall or Keithy

I'm sure he would have picked a better picture of himself, but I love this one!

My Father is an amazing man. He has raised 5 children on his own, survived a divorce, the loss of his wife and watching all of his kids grow up.  Yes he had the help of my wonderful Grandparents and my awesome Big Sister Shazzy, but he worked hard and put food on the table and kept a roof over our heads. He loved us, and he never left us.
We lost our mother to Cancer when we were 13, 11 and 7. My Father cried for her, he grieved for her, but he was still aways there for us when we needed him to be.

My Mother

As a parent I know understand how hard it is to watch your kids cry or be sad. I cannot imagine what my Father went through watching all of us loose our Mother, yet still have to deal with his own pain on top of ours.
You Dad are an amazing, strong man. You raised us to be independent, stubborn, responsible adults and for the good part of our growing lives, you did that all on your own.
You taught us manners, you taught us to always be respectful of others, You taught us to work hard, and push on no matter what. You showed us love, you gave us strength and you never let us doubt ourselves. You believed in us, and pushed us to do our best.
You let us be whoever WE wanted to be, you let us make mistakes and you helped us learn from them.
You put us in the shower to clean the spew up with our clothes on! You let us dress our brother up like a girl! You let me us scare your girlfriends away! You let us have kittens even though you hate cats! You let us have boys over as long as they slept in the lounge room right outside your bedroom door.

Dad, I may not say it often but I love you. You are an amazing person, Father and Pa.
You worked hard all of your life and you now have an amazing partner in Lyn and can finally enjoy your life in the bush......but I think it's time you stop building sheds! You'll run out of land!

Here are some pictures to remind you what a great Father and Pa you are and how much we love and respect you xoxoxoxoxo

Happy Fathers Day to all the Dad's out there. Remember that Parenting is hard, but it's the single most rewarding job in the world. Learn from my Father......Enjoy the moments, Love your children, support them, encourage them, teach them manners, show them strength, show them weakness, and most important just do that best job you know how to do...forget what the books say, or what other men in your life might have taught you, just be yourself and do the best job that you know how to do and they will grow up to love and respect you.

Christina xox

'Talk about Postnatal Depression Tuesday' - A partners perspective of Postnatal Depression

Today's 'Talk about Postnatal Depression Tuesday's' post is written by Ian White. He shares with us what it is like for those caring for us. Please support me in Thanking Ian for being a brave man and sharing his story with us. Show this to your partners as well, they might find comfort or support in Ian's words ~ Christina

A partners perspective of Postnatal Depression

By Ian White

"Christina asked me to write about PND from a partners perspective after finding me on a group for Dad’s who’s partners suffered from PND . I’ll have to give a bit of a history to this before going into more detail about my side of things and how I’ve felt through it . I only want this to be about my perspective of it and how I would have liked things to have gone and what I would have liked to be able to do. 

Postnatal Depression is a horrible disease that affects everyone in the family, not just the diagnosed person and treatment needs to include everyone in the family too. 
I know I did things wrong but faced with no information and zero input I still believe I did the best I could. I realise my wife was at the very extreme end of the scale with PND but I am hoping some of you, and your partners, can see parts of what we went through in your own situations to see you aren’t alone in this and what PND can do to a previously happy , normal and intelligent woman . 
I was 34 and my wife 37 when our eldest son was born and we were both quite stable and worldly people, I have a background in civil construction and am used to managing time, resources and people.

My former wife (we’ve been separated for 18 months now) has suffered from severe Postnatal Depression since the birth of our first child who is about to turn 6, however she was not diagnosed until a couple of years later, and at the time was 7 months pregnant with our second son . 
I knew from the start something wasn’t right and suspected PND (well, to be honest I thought it had to be PND) but it was a taboo topic and couldn’t be discussed. My wife is a highly intelligent woman and a specialist doctor and as they say doctors make the worst patients. 
My feelings were that she was scared of the repercussions of people she dealt with professionally finding out she was suffering. She was telling family and friends that she was having trouble coping because I was doing anything to help and deliberately stopping her from sleeping. I was a full time stay at home dad for the first 4 ½ years doing everything including staying up to do any night feeds, up until 2am with bottles of EBM and then back up at 5 for the morning bottle etc.

Various things took us to a marriage counselor who was really good and got her to agree to go and see a doctor and psychologist about PND. The psychologist diagnosed PND and started treatment. 
The only thing is my wife told the psychologist that she was only getting 3 hours sleep per day etc as opposed to the 16 hours she was getting. She refused medication as it was only sleep deprivation and nothing more serious, 18 months later she gave in and took medication as the psych could see it wasn’t just sleep . 

All the way through I was forbidden to talk to her doctors and psychologist's and also wasn’t to mention PND to any family or friends . Through this she was telling the same story to everyone as to how I wasn’t helping or supporting her and she was just in a slump because of it . Move on another 2½ years and another couple of marriage counselors later (the others were wrong and had nothing to offer ….) and my wife wanted to have a trial separation which the counselors oversaw, then my wife wanted it to be permanent and that was that.

The last 4½ years we were together was a very difficult and dark period, my wife had completely shut down to me, her only communication other than teary screaming about what I was doing wrong was to post on a mothers board based in the US as to how useless I was and then “accidentally” leave the page open (4 or 5 times a week) when there were enough responses about what they thought should be done to me . I was struggling enough coping with and understanding what was going on without that.
Any attempt at talking about it and how it made me feel was met with “how dare you read my posts” even though they were being left open for me to see. Everything she saw came through a heavy depression filter and no matter what anybody did she would find a negative side to it which would become a reason to resent the person. If a friend invited her out for a coffee she was only doing it to get her away from the house so I could go through her emails (I’ve never had her password or looked at them) or to try and catch her out that she wasn’t looking after either boy .. Or she had been asked out by her friend because I had told her about the PND, especially if the friend asked how she was going, to anyone else it was a natural question but the depression filter made her think I had been talking behind her back or had asked a friend to spy for me.

I did all the cooking (not most of it, I honestly mean all, she cooked 3 times in 4 ½ years) and would make her favourite comfort food’s when I could see she was at her lowest. If I left one plate or bowl at the table after dinner (if one of the boys hadn’t finished yet or I simply hadn’t got back to it) her depression would be saying that it was because I had made a gender based assumption that it was women's work and I thought she should be doing it and the resentment for that would build and the fact I had cooked a lamb roast the way she liked with all the trimmings was forgotten. If I took the boys somewhere by myself (though I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without them, they were not to be left at home with her) then I was planning to run away with them or was going to kill them to hurt her (this really cut me deeply, that she could believe I would or could harm my boys ), but whenever I was in the house I was spying on her or trying to find things that showed she was a bad mother so either way no matter what I did the resentment was building. 

My parents figured it out for themselves when they visited one day and watched my wife wash up the same lot of dishes 3 times taking from the drying rack 10 minutes after she had washed them and washing them again. The only time she did any housework was if anyone came over and then she would become a manic housemaid proving to them she was coping only to lock herself in the bedroom when they’d gone.

All of my hobbies, interests and social interactions were stopped, if I had half an hour to spend working on a car or something then it meant I hadn’t done housework or something else I should have done, if I met up with friends it was to talk about her or plan a way of taking the boys off her.  I really felt I was trapped in a nightmare, there was no one I could talk to face to face, either involved in her treatment or separately (all my activities were heavily monitored in case I told someone about it).  I did a google search on PND to try and find out more only to find the computer’s history was being checked daily and then to be told I didn’t need to know anything about it as it didn’t affect me and wasn’t my problem.  I was really feeling I was a prisoner to this disease as much as my wife was, the woman I had married wasn’t there anymore and she was replaced with this creature from some tacky soviet era prison movie. 

I really felt lost and confused as to how this could happen and also how it could happen so fast. When it finally came out as to what was going on I wanted to strangle the people who would simply say “it’s only the baby blues, she’ll get over it”, baby blues doesn’t go anywhere near describing what is involved and just what it can do to a person and a family. I had huge feelings of inadequacy and guilt that I couldn’t help her get through this no matter how hard I tried, but I also felt angry and frustrated that I wasn’t allowed to help and talk to the psychologist etc about what was happening and what could I do to help, I felt I had both hands tied behind my back and a blindfold on while trying to keep things together and care for her with no idea of what to do and everything I did was declared either wrong or not enough.

I did find support through a couple of friends, some interstate friends were best as it turned out as they weren’t seen talking to me etc. We kept in touch through a car forum’s Private Messaging function and I made sure to log out whenever I had finished and delete anything even hinting at what was going on. One mate had dealt with mental illness in his family his whole life and the other’s wife had suffered PND as well so they both knew the score and kept in touch and checked up on me regularly. I also found the facebook group I mentioned earlier for the dad’s who’s partners were suffering PND and it was a HUGE help to me. 
Sarah who started the group was brutally honest with her own PND experience and what it had done to her and her ex-husband and how little support there was for him. A mate who is also on there was a bit ahead of me with the separation and it really helped comparing notes as to what he had gone through and was going through with his wife and her illness. These 4 people really were my safety net, they didn’t judge anyone, just chatted and showed me what was happening wasn’t abnormal for the disease and I wasn’t alone trying to figure it out.

My wife has now told her workmates that PND ruined her marriage and it wasn’t my fault, but I would dearly love to hear her say that to me after so many years being the one blamed. I would also like to hear her say that she knew I tried but I can’t see that happening. I am still angry at what it has all cost her and us by her thinking she knew better than all the professionals and guiding them to the treatment she wanted instead of what she needed. 

To any of the women reading this who are suffering PND, please show this to your partner, it may help them open up to you about their own feelings of what it is doing to them as well as you. Postnatal Depression doesn’t just affect mum, it affects everyone in the family and everyone must be involved in the treatment if you are all to come out the other side of it together. In my own experience it breeds in darkness and feeds off silence, reach out to your partner because they’re probably hurting as much as you are, if not more. If you can see your partner helping or even just trying to help then please acknowledge them, let them know you can see it, it is really hard and emotionally draining to keep giving without receiving any feedback or love in return. 
Thank you for reading this, now go and hug your partner.
Ian.

If you or your partner would like to join the support page on Facebook, I have posted the link below. You just need to request to join. It's a great way for your partners to find support and not feel so alone in this illness.
Post Natal Depression - The forgotten ones - THE DADS

Have you spoken to your partner about your Postnatal Depression? Are they involved in your treatment?
Please find some links below to find treatment options, advice and support for Postnatal Depression and PLEASE let your partners research too, the more they understand about your illness, they more then can support you in the way you need them too.
Beer & Bubs - Childbirth Education and links
PANDA - Post and Antenatal Depression Association Inc.
Dad's Club
Beyond Blue

I know after reading Ian's story (I had to close off my 'PND' brain and look at it from an outsiders perspective) I will be trying to keep my partner more involved and hope that he opens up to me as well.
Thank you again Ian for sharing with us,
Christina xox
Mums Helping Mums Postnatal Depression Support Network
You can send an email to mumshelpingmumspnd@gmail.com