Today I will give you a run down on Me, as a First time Mother with Postnatal Depression.
"I'm not proud to say this but Motherhood in those first few months of my son's life sucked. They were by far the hardest months of my life. They were spent in a blur of tiredness, exhaustion, confusion and frustration.
I seriously thought babies slept ALL THE TIME! What was wrong with my baby, why will he not sleep! Why does he hate me so much? Why do I resent him? I just want sleep, sleep, sleep!!!! I think I spent those first few weeks either trying to sleep or thinking about sleep, and crying because I could not get sleep.
I expected this deep bond to develop as soon my son was placed on my chest, just like you see in the movies. I remember freaking out thinking "I'm exhausted get this baby away from me and let me sleep". I woke up an hour later in the delivery ward to him crying and I actually just sat there and waited for a nurse to come and tell me what to do. Where was this natural instinct you hear about? And why am I not feeling it?!
My partner had organised 2 weeks off work, but got a call from work and only got to spend 3 days with us and then I was left on my own. ALONE....I was seriously all ALONE. I have never felt so alone in my life. I just wanted to die. I wanted to just close my eyes and not wake up.
I was exhausted, I missed my Mother terribly and just felt like the biggest failure in the world. I had this miracle baby that I was never meant to be able to conceive...and I was failing. I could not bring myself to cuddle him, I just fed him and then sat staring at the wall...I felt no attachment to him, I knew deep down that I loved him, but I just could not feel it. What a terrible person I was. I grew up with such warmth and love from my mother and I could not even bring myself to look at my son. What a failure I was, I hated myself.
I stopped getting dressed, I stopped eating, I started smoking again and when I was not trying to get my son to sleep I just sat there staring at nothing, just staring so lost in those horrible, dark scary feelings.
Sure when people were around I smiled, I looked OK on the outside, but no one noticed that I was making everyone else hold the baby because I could not myself. I never called anyone, how the hell do you tell someone you want to kill yourself because you cant love your baby? They would freak out, take my son away and lock me up forever!!! How do you ask for help when your too afraid to even ask for it?
One night my son was crying, I tried the usual...feed, check nappy, burps, put him back down tucked him in and still crying. I sat on the couch and started to freak out! I mean freak out....I was crying. My partner yelled out that maybe he just wants a cuddle from his Mum? Hmm I got up, picked him up and for the first time in 6 weeks, I cuddled my baby, I held him tight and he stopped, he fell asleep within seconds. Finally I felt that immense bond that only parents can understand...Wow. That's when I went the other extreme! From that point on, I changed and could NOT let my baby out of my sight!! He was mine, not yours, don't touch him! With the exception of close family and some Friends I could not bring myself to hand him over.
One night I totally lost it.
Apparently I was acting like a crazy person. I had my son safely tucked into his cot and I curled up in a ball in the corner of his room and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea why, I just cried and cried and cried. I just felt so panicked, no idea why i felt that way, but i felt so out of control that i was about to explode. I got to the point where I was crying so hard and breathing so rapidly that I think I blanked out for a few minutes. I got up and headed to the kitchen with nothing on my mind other then finding whatever pills we had in the house and taking them ALL, but instead I heard my son cry and I snapped out of it.....Instead I grabbed my phone and called my Big sister. It was midnight but she sat there and listened to me. It was the first time I had freaked out in front of anyone, but she said nothing, never judged me, never told me how stupid and irrational or crazy I was being. She just listened to my crazy, irrational ranting.
Looking back I'm really ashamed of the way I acted and I still cannot explain it to my partner, but that night made me realise that something was not normal with how I was feeling.
At my sons next Health check up, my awesome Health Nurse Christie (who I will be eternally grateful to) asked me to fill out a questionnaire to see how I was coping. She took one look at my score, leaned over and gave me a hug and said 'you poor thing, you have been dealing with this for so long.....You don't have to ask me for help because I m going to get it for you". I broke down....Finally someone saw something in me and helped me. I was booked into a support group and eventually accepted medication.
I would love to say I got better straight away, but it took time. In fact to this day I still struggle with depression but I'm not too afraid to ask for help anymore and I know I'm not alone. I'm still very ashamed of those early months with my son.
Today I'm happy to report that my Son and I have an amazing bond and a very close relationship. He's my Little best Friend and I could not imagine life without him. It just took me longer to bond with my baby and you know what...That's OK, sometimes it happens like that."
Please do not be afraid to ask for help. I wanted to start this group and blog so that we as Mum's with PND can help each other. We need to be here for each other every step of the way.
If you or someone you know needs help with PND please contact your Doctor and/or Health Nurse. You can also jump online to PANDA for help.
Christina xox
