What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, we may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.
I'm about 9 years old and I remember hearing my Mum & Dad talking in hushed tones, they normally only do this when they are talking about something that we (kids) should not hear. I tried not to listen but I heard the word cancer and then hospital and felt sick.
I did not know what cancer was, I just knew that it made people sick and that some people die. Why were my parents talking about such things?
Fast forward to the next day, Mum, Dad, us three kids and I think my grandparents were sitting at the dinner table. This only happens when something serious happens. My first thought was that maybe my little brother had tried to put the cat in the toilet again, but I noticed the cat curled up on the step outside and felt sick again. As Mum & Dad spoke I heard the words Cancer & Hospital again.....only this time I heard the word Mummy. Mummy had cancer and she had to go to hospital. It was just a quick operation to remove a spot on her back that was making her sick, she would be back home in a few days and that was it.
And that's what happened, they cut the skin cancer off and sent her home. Everything went back to normal.
Fast forward 12 months (My time frame is a little sketchy).
Me, my little sister and brother were sitting in the back of our car, with my big sister or grandma (again memories are blurry) in the front and Mum driving us to the Melbourne show. We were so excited. Mum had to stop off at the doctors, something about X-rays she had of her head. I found this funny (being what 10 years old) because why would you get an x-ray of your head? I remember watching her walk into the doctor from the car and wondering if maybe Mummy wanted a new head, because I really liked her head, I planned to tell her this, but then I saw her looking very sad as she walked back to the car.
Mummy said we had to go back home, we could not go to the Show anymore. We got upset because we were so excited, but I soon shut up because I saw again that Mummy was sad. We drove home in silence. I remember hearing Mummy talking to my big sister or Grandma about her brain and that word again....Cancer. I felt sick, I cried, but pretended that I was mad because I could not go to the show.
When we got home Daddy was waiting. I'd heard enough in the car to know something scary was about to happen and that Mummy was sad and had not stopped crying. Mummy went into her room and kept crying. I stood at the door and stared outside. I felt sick, confused and scared. I was also worried about my brother & sister, maybe they were sad too? Should we all be sad? What was going on? Daddy came and told me off because I was being selfish for crying about not going to the show. He said I had to try and understand that Mummy was sick and that we could go next year. I did not tell Daddy why I was really sad, he should help Mummy stop crying.
I remember my little sister and me went for a walk, We did not say much to each other, just both lost in whatever place out heads were in. I do remember asking my sister if she thinks that Mummy would still be alive next year to take us to the show, we both agreed that we did not know.
Me, my little sister and brother were sitting in the back of our car, with my big sister or grandma (again memories are blurry) in the front and Mum driving us to the Melbourne show. We were so excited. Mum had to stop off at the doctors, something about X-rays she had of her head. I found this funny (being what 10 years old) because why would you get an x-ray of your head? I remember watching her walk into the doctor from the car and wondering if maybe Mummy wanted a new head, because I really liked her head, I planned to tell her this, but then I saw her looking very sad as she walked back to the car.
Mummy said we had to go back home, we could not go to the Show anymore. We got upset because we were so excited, but I soon shut up because I saw again that Mummy was sad. We drove home in silence. I remember hearing Mummy talking to my big sister or Grandma about her brain and that word again....Cancer. I felt sick, I cried, but pretended that I was mad because I could not go to the show.
When we got home Daddy was waiting. I'd heard enough in the car to know something scary was about to happen and that Mummy was sad and had not stopped crying. Mummy went into her room and kept crying. I stood at the door and stared outside. I felt sick, confused and scared. I was also worried about my brother & sister, maybe they were sad too? Should we all be sad? What was going on? Daddy came and told me off because I was being selfish for crying about not going to the show. He said I had to try and understand that Mummy was sick and that we could go next year. I did not tell Daddy why I was really sad, he should help Mummy stop crying.
I remember my little sister and me went for a walk, We did not say much to each other, just both lost in whatever place out heads were in. I do remember asking my sister if she thinks that Mummy would still be alive next year to take us to the show, we both agreed that we did not know.
The next few months were a blur of visits to the hospital, watching Mummy get her head bandaged, watching her be sick, watching her laugh, watching her cry, watching her try to make everything normal again. Always being there even when she was sick. I remember noticing one day that one side of her face did not move when she smiled. But she still sounded the same and smelt the same and laughed the same. Things started to get better again, we were all happy.
Things were normal again, I'm now 12 years old, I'm sitting in the front seat of the car while Mum goes into the office to grab something. I got bored and looked for something to read while I waited. I open the glove box and pulled out some pamphlets. There it was again.........Cancer. Breast cancer? I remember just feeling so overwhelmed, like my head was about to explode. I was old enough now to understand a little more, but not old enough to process all this CRAP. How much cancers were there? I was mad and felt sick.
Mum got back in the car, i handed her the breast cancer pamphlet and asked her if she had breast cancer, I stared at her eyes, she stared me back and said no, she was just having all the checks done. She did not want the doctors to miss anything again. I relaxed and back to normal we went.
Fast forward a few weeks, Mum came into my room and told me she had cancer again, but that it was nothing to worry about, it as in her cervix this time and that it was easily treated. She made jokes about how the radiation would make her grow a second head and a few more arms. I remember being totally OK.
Again i remember lots of trips to the hospital, Mum being sick, Mum being OK, Mum being sick, going shopping, picking us up from school, being sick, and all being OK again.
I turned 13, Mum, Dad, Grandma and Granddad, my little Sister and brother we there. Even my big sister and her husband were there. We had so much fun. Dinner, lots of family photo's and I remember Mum being so happy, I remember being so happy, but for some reason so very sad at the same time, like this would never happen again. I shoved those stupid thoughts out of my head.
The rest is a blur. The tumor came back in her brain again, they operated and treated her with chemotherapy. I remember lots and lost of trips to the hospital. I just always expected her to come home again, to get better like all the other times.
She did come home eventually after months and months of being so far away, but this time she came back with a tribe of nurses and hospital equipment. Instead of being sick and then being OK again, she was just sick. People were always in our house, it felt like I was living somewhere else, none of any of this made sense. Just take her back to the hospital you stupid doctors and make her better like all the other times!!!
It's a Thursday night, I had just got back from netball and was looking in the cupboards for something to eat. The house was full of people again, it always was. I never looked anyone in the face, their expressions always gave them away. I just kept my head down and pretended that none of this was happening. I heard Dad coming and tried to make an escape to my room....Too Late.
This is what I remember
"Sweety you know that your Mum is not going to get better..." I looked at him blankly. I remember hearing my voice, saying no she was going to get better, just like all the other times. He then told me that there was another tumor, there was nothing that they could do. Mum is very sick and she is very tired.
I think I died inside right there and then. Not just because I knew that she was leaving, but also because I just noticed how old my Dad suddenly looked.
Some women then talked to all of us at the table while the ambulance men got my mother onto the stretcher. I hated everyone of these people. I hated this women for sitting there like she cared, like knowing that Mum was going to die was OK, that we were allowed to be sad blah blah blah.
Get out of my house!!!
The ambulance officer wheeled Mum towards the door, he stopped and motioned to my Dad for us to come. Dad said it was time now to kiss Mummy good bye. We would go to the hospice tomorrow to see her again. I watched everyone kissing Mummy good bye. I remember looking at the women on that stretcher and not really seeing my Mummy there anymore, as if she was already gone. I kissed her and told her I loved her and went to bed. Maybe when I woke up, things would be OK again, we would go to the hospital in the morning and Mum would be sitting up and smiling again...right?!
On a Friday morning just after 9am, a Father, his 13 and 12 year old daughters helped their 6 year old bother into the car, waved goodbye to their Grandma and drove off to see their Mummy.
It's the most bizarre and serial feeling knowing that someone has just left the world. I can vividly recall walking into that hospital and as the doors opened I felt a sudden rush of warmth? peace? calm?....it's hard to describe. I was not scared, I was not anything. I felt like I had someone right next to me. I was walking in a dream.
I heard the words from the nurse, I saw my Dad's shoulders slump over, I saw the confused look in my sister and brothers eyes. I knew she was gone. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, but I don't remember feeling anything. I still felt like someone was holding me.
I remember my feet moving, following behind Dad, I looked up and there was my Mummy. She looked....So happy. Her eyes were closed, she was so very still, no more rasping breaths and heaving chest. She looked happy, peaceful and alive. I would not touch her, I did not want to feel her cold skin, I just wanted to remember every details of how she looked, because I had not seen her look this peaceful for such a long time.
She was gone.
My Mother, known to many as Jenny-Jane, was 37 years of age when she passed away from a long battle with Cancer. We were 13, 12 and 8.
I'm now 33 years old and still miss her as much as I did the day we said good bye.
I'm a very private person and do not talk about this very often in detail, but today I'm sharing my story with you, because there is a family out there right now, who are very close to having to say good bye to their Mummy. They need your generosity and love. They are 4 little souls who will be growing up without their Mummy and a husband who will loose the love of his life. She has 4 children aged from 5 years to 5 months old.
My heart goes out to the family. To the kids who will forever miss their Mummy and to the Father who will need your love and support to carry his kids through this.
If you are able to make a small donation to help the Coleman-Rupp Family, I know that it would be greatly appreciated. Please visit the link to their donation page on the Mycause website here (The Rupp Coleman Association).
I leave you with Rod Stewart. This was the song Mum left us with xox
Thank you for reading,
Christina
