I woke up Monday morning feeling exhausted, numb and just plain depressed. I got up and did the usual things, the same as yesterday in the hope that my mood might improve as the weather gets better. But alas, Today I woke up in the same mood.
Could it be the exhausting weekend we had driving, the amount of money I have to spend on bills and presents and petrol just to get through Christmas. The new job and the erratic and non reliable hours or the personal problems that keep consuming me.
Whatever it is, I have a happy little 4 year old waiting for me to get my act together.
I'm heading out today for Coffee with friends, This will help. Change of routine and getting out of the house is always a pick me up.
How do you lift your mood when your having a bad day? Any tips?
What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for
one more day, one more word, one more touch, we may not understand why
you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say
good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you
died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too
beautiful to forget.
I'm about 9 years old and I remember hearing my Mum & Dad talking in hushed tones, they normally only do this when they are talking about something that we (kids) should not hear. I tried not to listen but I heard the word cancer and then hospital and felt sick. I did not know what cancer was, I just knew that it made people sick and that some people die. Why were my parents talking about such things?
Fast forward to the next day, Mum, Dad, us three kids and I think my grandparents were sitting at the dinner table. This only happens when something serious happens. My first thought was that maybe my little brother had tried to put the cat in the toilet again, but I noticed the cat curled up on the step outside and felt sick again. As Mum & Dad spoke I heard the words Cancer & Hospital again.....only this time I heard the word Mummy. Mummy had cancer and she had to go to hospital. It was just a quick operation to remove a spot on her back that was making her sick, she would be back home in a few days and that was it. And that's what happened, they cut the skin cancer off and sent her home. Everything went back to normal.
Fast forward 12 months (My time frame is a little sketchy). Me, my little sister and brother were sitting in the back of our car, with my big sister or grandma (again memories are blurry) in the front and Mum driving us to the Melbourne show. We were so excited. Mum had to stop off at the doctors, something about X-rays she had of her head. I found this funny (being what 10 years old) because why would you get an x-ray of your head? I remember watching her walk into the doctor from the car and wondering if maybe Mummy wanted a new head, because I really liked her head, I planned to tell her this, but then I saw her looking very sad as she walked back to the car. Mummy said we had to go back home, we could not go to the Show anymore. We got upset because we were so excited, but I soon shut up because I saw again that Mummy was sad. We drove home in silence. I remember hearing Mummy talking to my big sister or Grandma about her brain and that word again....Cancer. I felt sick, I cried, but pretended that I was mad because I could not go to the show. When we got home Daddy was waiting. I'd heard enough in the car to know something scary was about to happen and that Mummy was sad and had not stopped crying. Mummy went into her room and kept crying. I stood at the door and stared outside. I felt sick, confused and scared. I was also worried about my brother & sister, maybe they were sad too? Should we all be sad? What was going on? Daddy came and told me off because I was being selfish for crying about not going to the show. He said I had to try and understand that Mummy was sick and that we could go next year. I did not tell Daddy why I was really sad, he should help Mummy stop crying.
I remember my little sister and me went for a walk, We did not say much to each other, just both lost in whatever place out heads were in. I do remember asking my sister if she thinks that Mummy would still be alive next year to take us to the show, we both agreed that we did not know.
The next few months were a blur of visits to the hospital, watching Mummy get her head bandaged, watching her be sick, watching her laugh, watching her cry, watching her try to make everything normal again. Always being there even when she was sick. I remember noticing one day that one side of her face did not move when she smiled. But she still sounded the same and smelt the same and laughed the same. Things started to get better again, we were all happy.
Things were normal again, I'm now 12 years old, I'm sitting in the front seat of the car while Mum goes into the office to grab something. I got bored and looked for something to read while I waited. I open the glove box and pulled out some pamphlets. There it was again.........Cancer. Breast cancer? I remember just feeling so overwhelmed, like my head was about to explode. I was old enough now to understand a little more, but not old enough to process all this CRAP. How much cancers were there? I was mad and felt sick. Mum got back in the car, i handed her the breast cancer pamphlet and asked her if she had breast cancer, I stared at her eyes, she stared me back and said no, she was just having all the checks done. She did not want the doctors to miss anything again. I relaxed and back to normal we went.
Fast forward a few weeks, Mum came into my room and told me she had cancer again, but that it was nothing to worry about, it as in her cervix this time and that it was easily treated. She made jokes about how the radiation would make her grow a second head and a few more arms. I remember being totally OK. Again i remember lots of trips to the hospital, Mum being sick, Mum being OK, Mum being sick, going shopping, picking us up from school, being sick, and all being OK again.
I turned 13, Mum, Dad, Grandma and Granddad, my little Sister and brother we there. Even my big sister and her husband were there. We had so much fun. Dinner, lots of family photo's and I remember Mum being so happy, I remember being so happy, but for some reason so very sad at the same time, like this would never happen again. I shoved those stupid thoughts out of my head.
The rest is a blur. The tumor came back in her brain again, they operated and treated her with chemotherapy. I remember lots and lost of trips to the hospital. I just always expected her to come home again, to get better like all the other times. She did come home eventually after months and months of being so far away, but this time she came back with a tribe of nurses and hospital equipment. Instead of being sick and then being OK again, she was just sick. People were always in our house, it felt like I was living somewhere else, none of any of this made sense. Just take her back to the hospital you stupid doctors and make her better like all the other times!!!
It's a Thursday night, I had just got back from netball and was looking in the cupboards for something to eat. The house was full of people again, it always was. I never looked anyone in the face, their expressions always gave them away. I just kept my head down and pretended that none of this was happening. I heard Dad coming and tried to make an escape to my room....Too Late. This is what I remember "Sweety you know that your Mum is not going to get better..." I looked at him blankly. I remember hearing my voice, saying no she was going to get better, just like all the other times. He then told me that there was another tumor, there was nothing that they could do. Mum is very sick and she is very tired. I think I died inside right there and then. Not just because I knew that she was leaving, but also because I just noticed how old my Dad suddenly looked. Some women then talked to all of us at the table while the ambulance men got my mother onto the stretcher. I hated everyone of these people. I hated this women for sitting there like she cared, like knowing that Mum was going to die was OK, that we were allowed to be sad blah blah blah. Get out of my house!!!
The ambulance officer wheeled Mum towards the door, he stopped and motioned to my Dad for us to come. Dad said it was time now to kiss Mummy good bye. We would go to the hospice tomorrow to see her again. I watched everyone kissing Mummy good bye. I remember looking at the women on that stretcher and not really seeing my Mummy there anymore, as if she was already gone. I kissed her and told her I loved her and went to bed. Maybe when I woke up, things would be OK again, we would go to the hospital in the morning and Mum would be sitting up and smiling again...right?!
On a Friday morning just after 9am, a Father, his 13 and 12 year old daughters helped their 6 year old bother into the car, waved goodbye to their Grandma and drove off to see their Mummy.
It's the most bizarre and serial feeling knowing that someone has just left the world. I can vividly recall walking into that hospital and as the doors opened I felt a sudden rush of warmth? peace? calm?....it's hard to describe. I was not scared, I was not anything. I felt like I had someone right next to me. I was walking in a dream. I heard the words from the nurse, I saw my Dad's shoulders slump over, I saw the confused look in my sister and brothers eyes. I knew she was gone. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, but I don't remember feeling anything. I still felt like someone was holding me. I remember my feet moving, following behind Dad, I looked up and there was my Mummy. She looked....So happy. Her eyes were closed, she was so very still, no more rasping breaths and heaving chest. She looked happy, peaceful and alive. I would not touch her, I did not want to feel her cold skin, I just wanted to remember every details of how she looked, because I had not seen her look this peaceful for such a long time. She was gone.
My Mother, known to many as Jenny-Jane, was 37 years of age when she passed away from a long battle with Cancer. We were 13, 12 and 8. I'm now 33 years old and still miss her as much as I did the day we said good bye.
I'm a very private person and do not talk about this very often in detail, but today I'm sharing my story with you, because there is a family out there right now, who are very close to having to say good bye to their Mummy. They need your generosity and love. They are 4 little souls who will be growing up without their Mummy and a husband who will loose the love of his life. She has 4 children aged from 5 years to 5 months old.
My heart goes out to the family. To the kids who will forever miss their Mummy and to the Father who will need your love and support to carry his kids through this.
If you are able to make a small donation to help the Coleman-Rupp Family, I know that it would be greatly appreciated. Please visit the link to their donation page on the Mycause website here (The Rupp Coleman Association).
I leave you with Rod Stewart. This was the song Mum left us with xox
Yesterday on our Facebook page I asked our followers to describe their Postnatal Depression in 5 words. The response was, in my opinion, powerful.
Depression and mental health can be impossible to explain to someone who has never been through it. Maybe just by using some powerful words, we can show others the overwhelming feelings associated with Depression.
What words stand out to you the most? Can you add any other words?
This week is Postnatal Depression awareness week. Let's band together and get the word out there. We might just help others to reach out for help. Join the conversation #bePNDaware Thank you for reading, Christina
Next week starting on the 18th November is Postnatal Depression Awareness week. There are 4 ways that you can get involved and join in the conversation.
1. Start Talking on Facebook. Jump on over to the PANDA website here and copy the above postcard to your computer. Then all you have to do is share it on your private page, business page or Blog.
2. Start talking on your blog (If you have one) Next week on this blog I will only be posting PND topics and I need your help! What I aim to do is share 'What PND looks like to me'. If you have a picture, a poem, a personal story, or even if you can sum up your experience in 5 to 10 words. Send this through to me here at our email address (mumshelpingmumspnd@gmail.com), with your details (or if you wish to remain anonymous, that is totally OK). The more we have, the more awareness we can raise. If you have your own blog, you can click here for information on how to link your post and PANDA's blogger guidelines.
3. Let your pictures do the talking on Instagram on Wed 21st November On Wednesday 21st November we’d love you to share your photos on
Instagram with the black and white filter and the hashtag #bePNDaware. You can find my Instagram web profile here and if you have the Instagram app on your phone, you can search for me via my username mumshelpingmumspndnetwork.
4. Start talking on Twitter The hashtag for the campaign is #bePNDaware so if you are sharing links
or images or talking about postnatal depression then just include this hashtag in your tweets.
4 easy ways to get involved next week to help raise awareness for Postnatal Depression. By sharing you may just reach out to someone to get the help they deserve :-) How will you be getting involved during Postnatal Depression Awareness Week? Will you be joining us on the blog next week?
For further information please visit the links below
This is Zaccie, He's 4 years old, Full of beans and attitude, And he loves to be cheeky.
Who is your best friend:Tina!!(That would be me!) No finished Mummy............................. "My friends are Ethan & Tate and I like the Mummies too (Watch out!), Erica & Vicky. I have seen Daddies too, they are tall". And Hunter, he plays with me at Dana's work (Daycare) and we have same blood (I think he means because they are related). Also Lightning McQueen & Daddy are my friends and we like to jump & play in dirt (This explains Daddy pockets spilling dirt every time I go to wash them).
My Favorite Food is: Runny macaroni...its yummy with sauce & Salad. (I don't ever recall him asking for salad...guess what he's having for dinner!) What food do you think is yuck: My dinner & Poo. Poo is funny, but yucky to eat. Puppy Poo is bad and not a biscuit (So glad he can tell a biscuit and a dog turd apart!)
I'm really good at: Painting, Jumping, playing cars, planes and dirt...I really like dirt, not in my mouth No My favorite toy is: Cars with wheels & red Monsters
My Favorite Book: Huff & Puff and Bear Hunting
When I grow up I want to be:go to work & drive Mummy car & drive boats
Why does the sun shine:Because it likes the rain
Where does the sun go when it gets dark outside: it goes to bed and dreams of cars, planes and dirt because i think the sun really likes dirt like me Who's the coolest person on the earth?Zaccie is!!!
1 person who make me laugh:Dana
One word that describes me:weird (HaHa I cant disagree!)
I am really happy when:i go home
I am really sad when:Big girls wont play with me at the park and say Zaccie has germs (Let's keep it that way for a few more decades please!)
My worst nightmare:mummy fixes my bad dreams
Things that make me mad:not eating my toast, puppies look hungry so i have to share
I like my Dad because: He is funny, he does a good monster noise & reads good
I like my mummy because:she makes yummy toast & talks to Shazzy who is my friend too
Who's in your Family?The puppies & lightning mcqueen (right!)
And to share a giggle....This is a conversation Zaccie had with the Man at our local Milkbar this week
Zaccie: My Mummy is working now Milk bar Man: Ohhh Where? Zaccie: She is making money at the Man place Milk Bar Man raises his eyebrows at me: "Well we all have to make a buck somehow" Me: No No No.....Not how it sounds, Zaccie: Turns to me............Yes Mummy, Daddy told me that you work at The Man Shop to make money!
Thank you Zaccie, He now thinks I'm either a stripper or worse!!! Needless to say we wont be back for ice-creams anytime soon! And just to clarify I have started casual work for a Hardware retailer, it involves wearing lots of clothes.
What funny things have your children said? Have you sat down and asked your child some questions and just been amazed at how much they actually do know about their world around them?
I have signed up for an online 'happiness' course for sufferers of depression and anxiety. One of the modules suggests that I should create my own Wellness Toolbox.
Today I will be sharing with you, what I will be adding to my toolbox and over the coming weeks, I will come back and cover each Topic.
The idea is to come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Try to include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.
Here is my tool list...
Go outside Read a Good Book, or as much as you can while the kids are distracted Watch a Funny movie or YouTube clip Enjoy a warm bath Do some craft Sew Pin stuff on Pinterest
Listen to music
Get a few small tasks done and out of the way
Throw the ball around for the dogs
Write a blog post or journal entry
Go for a coffee and babycino at your favorite cafe
Talk to a friend
Talk to a health care Professional
Guided imagery
Journaling--writing in a notebook
Bake something yummy
Exercise
Take medications, vitamins, minerals, herbal supplements
Attend a support group
Do something "normal" like washing your hair, or going to work
Surround yourself with people who are positive, affirming and loving
Wear something that makes you feel good
Look through old pictures, scrapbooks and photo albums
Do something that makes you laugh
Do something special for someone else
Get some little things done
Repeat positive affirmations
Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice
can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost
feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing,
progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.
What would your Wellness Toolbox Look Like? Have I missed anything in my list?
Thank you for reading and for your support, Christina
Definition: Blame; bad conscience over responsibility
I'm suffering from the worst form of Mothers Guilt this week. Not the "oops I fed him too much biscuits and not enough fruit kind of guilt. The all consuming, I can't think or function guilt. The guilt that crawls it's way from your head, down into your belly where its moves itself in circles until you feel like you cant breath, or eat or think about anything else.
What have I done? I hear you ask.....
I'm going back to work. Something that would have been so simple before kids, has become such a process of planning, coordinating, stressing AND facing the realisation that i will miss him so much that my heart already aches.
I'm dreading the things he'll learn at Daycare, that I wish I could stay at home and teach him instead. The crying when I drop him off and the crying when I pick him up. The constant worrying that he wont eat or use the toilet when he is there.
I could keep going and going.......But I wont, I'll get back to organising and just hope that everything will fall into place as it should.
What Set's off your 'Mothers Guilt'? Do you have any advice on how I can overcome these feelings come 6am Monday morning? HELP!
Thank you for reading ~ Christina *Please read below for details on how to win yourself a Zipper Brooch.
My lovely friend Erica of Recycled Fashion is having a giveaway! If you want to win this very cool Zipper Brooch, just read the details below :-)
Erica is giving away three brooches. To
be in for a chance of winning one, all you need to
