Me, as a First time Mother with PND

Today I will give you a run down on Me, as a First time Mother with Postnatal Depression.

"I'm not proud to say this but Motherhood in those first few months of my son's life sucked. They were by far the hardest months of my life. They were spent in a blur of tiredness, exhaustion, confusion and frustration.

I seriously thought babies slept ALL THE TIME! What was wrong with my baby, why will he not sleep! Why does he hate me so much? Why do I resent him? I just want sleep, sleep, sleep!!!! I think I spent those first few weeks either trying to sleep or thinking about sleep, and crying because I could not get sleep.

I expected this deep bond to develop as soon my son was placed on my chest, just like you see in the movies. I remember freaking out thinking "I'm exhausted get this baby away from me and let me sleep". I woke up an hour later in the delivery ward to him crying and I actually just sat there and waited for a nurse to come and tell me what to do. Where was this natural instinct you hear about? And why am I not feeling it?!
My partner had organised 2 weeks off work, but got a call from work and only got to spend 3 days with us and then I was left on my own. ALONE....I was seriously all ALONE. I have never felt so alone in my life. I just wanted to die. I wanted to just close my eyes and not wake up.

I was exhausted, I missed my Mother terribly and just felt like the biggest failure in the world. I had this miracle baby that I was never meant to be able to conceive...and I was failing. I could not bring myself to cuddle him, I just fed him and then sat staring at the wall...I felt no attachment to him, I knew deep down that I loved him, but I just could not feel it. What a terrible person I was. I grew up with such warmth and love from my mother and I could not even bring myself to look at my son. What a failure I was, I hated myself.
I stopped getting dressed, I stopped eating, I started smoking again and when I was not trying to get my son to sleep I just sat there staring at nothing, just staring so lost in those horrible, dark scary feelings.

Sure when people were around I smiled, I looked OK on the outside, but no one noticed that I was making everyone else hold the baby because I could not myself. I never called anyone, how the hell do you tell someone you want to kill yourself because you cant love your baby? They would freak out, take my son away and lock me up forever!!! How do you ask for help when your too afraid to even ask for it?

One night my son was crying, I tried the usual...feed, check nappy, burps, put him back down tucked him in and still crying. I sat on the couch and started to freak out! I mean freak out....I was crying. My partner yelled out that maybe he just wants a cuddle from his Mum? Hmm I got up, picked him up and for the first time in 6 weeks, I cuddled my baby, I held him tight and he stopped, he fell asleep within seconds. Finally I felt that immense bond that only parents can understand...Wow. That's when I went the other extreme! From that point on, I changed and could NOT let my baby out of my sight!! He was mine, not yours, don't touch him! With the exception of close family and some Friends I could not bring myself to hand him over. 

 

One night I  totally lost it.
Apparently I was acting like a crazy person. I had my son safely tucked into his cot and I curled up in a ball in the corner of his room and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea why, I just cried and cried and cried. I just felt so panicked, no idea why i felt that way, but i felt so out of control that i was about to explode. I got to the point where I was crying so hard and breathing so rapidly that I think I blanked out for a few minutes. I got up and headed to the kitchen with nothing on my mind other then finding whatever pills we had in the house and taking them ALL, but instead I heard my son cry and I snapped out of it.....Instead I grabbed my phone and called my Big sister. It was midnight but she sat there and listened to me. It was the first time I had freaked out in front of anyone, but she said nothing, never judged me, never told me how stupid and irrational or crazy I was being. She just listened to my crazy, irrational ranting.
Looking back I'm really ashamed of the way I acted and I still cannot explain it to my partner, but that night made me realise that something was not normal with how I was feeling.

At my sons next Health check up, my awesome Health Nurse Christie (who I will be eternally grateful to) asked me to fill out a questionnaire to see how I was coping. She took one look at my score, leaned over and gave me a hug and said 'you poor thing, you have been dealing with this for so long.....You don't have to ask me for help because I m going to get it for you". I broke down....Finally someone saw something in me and helped me. I was booked into a support group and eventually accepted medication.
I would love to say I got better straight away, but it took time. In fact to this day I still struggle with depression but I'm not too afraid to ask for help anymore and I know I'm not alone. I'm still very ashamed of those early months with my son.

Today I'm happy to report that my Son and I have an amazing bond and a very close relationship. He's my Little best Friend and I could not imagine life without him. It just took me longer to bond with my baby and you know what...That's OK, sometimes it happens like that."


Please do not be afraid to ask for help. I wanted to start this group and blog so that we as Mum's with PND can help each other. We need to be here for each other every step of the way.

If you or someone you know needs help with PND please contact your Doctor and/or Health Nurse. You can also jump online to PANDA for help.

Christina xox

My Top 10 Tips for managing your 'Bad Days'

We all know what I mean when I refer to 'bad' days.
It's those horrible days when your mind will not let go of the negative thoughts and your body just does not want to move. It's those days when you wish the ground would just open up beneath you and carry you away...and nothing, no matter how hard you try can get you out of it.

I have been asked on our Facebook page for advice on getting through the 'bad' days. Here are my top 10 tips on getting through those days

10 Tips for getting through the 'Bad' days of Depression

1.   Get out of the house (Even if you have to force yourself or wear your PJ's)

If only I had this meadow to walk in
Image source here

 2.   Don't set yourself any overwhelming chores or tasks (Make easy meals like toasted sandwiches, steamed veggies, cereal, forget about the big housework task's, stay in your PJ's all day if it makes it easier) 

3.   Have a movie day (I know it goes against all the parenting advice the professionals say, but Mums with PND don't fit into their 'box'...but dare I say it, let your kids watch a movie. If it means they will sit still for more then 5 minutes and let you sit & have a little time to yourself, then go for it. You NEED ME TIME)

                                     

OK you might not look this ecstatic, but that's how my head would feel with 5 minutes of peace!

 

4.   When the kids are in bed or having a sleep take a warm bath or shower, sometimes it can help relax your tired, tense body and mind.






5.   Listen to music that you find calming ( I find that sometimes when i sing along or listen to the words I stop concentrating on whats going on in my head)

Just not as corny :-)

6.   If your like me and also suffer from anxiety, try to keep busy. (I like to craft or sew. I find its a great distraction and takes concentration. Again anything that gets your mind away from those negative thoughts is going to help you. My crazy Big sister likes to Vacuum when she's stressed, I personally hate my vacuum, but she says that it helps her)


7.   Call a friend or go out for coffee with the kids & a friend (Try to make it a positive friend or at least someone who will listen with an open heart and provide you with some calm and comforting words of comfort).



8.   Get on YouTube and search for funny Cat's......Have a giggle!




9.   Again GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! I cant stress this one enough. Even if you just walk out the back door in your PJ's.....The fresh air and sunshine (if its there) will make a huge difference, it really does I promise.

 10.   Do some yoga. (You might not be able to do the meditation, but try the breathing while you do the stretches.....it's actually amazing the difference it makes to your body and mind. My yoga takes me 15mins a day and it makes all the difference).

Sorry I'm stuck on the cats now

And remember....Tomorrow could be a perfect day. It does pass, the thoughts disappear and life looks rosy again. So hold onto that knowledge that tomorrow could be a better day xox

What tips do you have to get through the 'Bad Days'?


Thank you for reading,
Christina

Kids Birthday Parties...Stressful or Not?

Firstly Happy 4th Birthday to my beautiful little man

Kids Birthday Parties.....Stressful, Fun or a bit of both?

This weekend I threw a Birthday party for my son who turned 4, he was surrounded by 30 odd friends and family, some who traveled to Bayside Melbourne from Sunbury and Ballarat and spoiled him with gifts and fun. It was a great day....Lots of sunshine, cake, playing, spinning, climbing and sliding and of course Toy Truck races!
We had a fantastic day, My son & his friends were all smiles.

So How many people is too much?

Do you invite one side of the family & not the other, Only friends with Kids...or invite everyone close to you and your child? My son had his little friends, his cousins, Aunties & Uncles, both sets of Grandparents, family friends and even his Great Great Uncle & Aunty. I personally feel that he is very blessed and lucky to have all these amazing people in his life who came to share such a special day.

Only thing I forgot was to take photo's!!!!

My hints for a party hostess

• Grab a plate of food & do the walk around. That way you get a chance to stop and chat to each person and the food gets eaten.
• If someone offers help or offers to bring something on the day...Accept the help!
• Do the baking the day before and leave fresh stuff like fruit & sandwiches for the morning of the party, but try to have all the things cut & ready to go.
• Don't leave your baked items on the bench where your dog is sitting waiting for the moment you get distracted and walk away....Poor Zucchini slice
• Take photo's (can't believe I forgot) or ask someone to take photo's for you.
• I like parties to be held outdoors if possible and preferably somewhere other then my house :-)
• Make simple things that can be made in bigger batches. I made scones (recipe here), Rice bubble slice (recipe here), jelly cups, fruit platter, club sandwiches, chips, dips, and don't forget fruit juice for the kids and soft drink for the adults.
• You could always make it a BYO party...I did this for my Son's 1st party as at the time being deep in Depression there was no way I would have coped.

Lastly thank you to my friends and family for coming & making his party so awesome...you are all amazing! xox




What hints and tips do you have for making Kids parties fun and less stressful? Do you prefer Big or small parties?

Thank you for reading,
Christina

So why are we afraid to ask for help?

Following on from our Post on What is Postnatal Depression, I know ask you to ponder why so many of us fear asking for help.

Just recently I took myself to the doctors for the umpteenth time. Each visit I feel the same, I feel like I'm failing, that I must be doing something wrong. I start questioning whether I'm just making it all up.

So why are we afraid to ask for help?

I raised this question on our Facebook page a few weeks ago and the common response was FEAR.

Fear of admitting failure.
I don't like failing. I wish I could do everything perfectly. But to who's perfect? To yours? To your partner/Husband?...Who places these expectations on us.
No one, not even that happy, perfect looking Mother in the supermarket gets it right every single day. We should allow ourselves little failures so that we can continue to learn and grow.


Fear of medication was also another reason stopping some from help. Fear of what the antidepressants would do, if they would change them, make them worse, or just not wanting any medication at all.
In my case, I have a strong aversion to meds, I don't like them, but right now as I type this, I'm taking them. I like to think of them as a crutch for my broken mind. It helps me get to where I need to be to recover. My anxiety was so bad that I used to get the shakes and it was interfering with my everyday life. The anti depressants I'm on are only very mild and have made no difference to my personality or daily life, they just keep those feelings of panic away until I can fight them alone.
I'm not saying this to sway you to take them, They are there to help those who wish to take them.


Most of the Mothers admitted that they waited to seek help until they reached breaking point or their relationships were falling apart. Please if you are reading this now and think you might need help, don't wait until you cannot cope anymore. There is help out there..



There is no shame in asking for help
There is no failure in asking for help
There is no judgement in asking for help

You are stronger then you believe and you can do this.



Reach out to your GP, Child health nurse for help. Talk to someone close to you you for support.
Please don't wait any longer, it will get better and easier, but you need to be strong and take that first step....and we're here for you every step of the journey.

Help is here...
PANDA
BeyondBlue
Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14
The Salvos

Are you afraid to seek help? Or have you asked for help? What advice could you provide to those reading this to get the help they need?

Thank you for reading,
Christina

Let's get our craft on with Dinosaur tails!

 Dinosaur Tails

I'm a dragon!

He's smiling because he just discovered my button collection

Little Man enjoys helping Mummy make stuff

Rarrrrw

These were fun & easy to make.

You can find the tutorial here at Running with Scissors. Make sure to take a look at Jessica's other tutorials. And for more idea's on what to make for the kids you can check out my Pinterest Board Here.

I craft and sew because
1) I enjoy it
2) It keeps me busy and makes me feel better
3) I find it helps me on my down days. Sewing requires focus & attention, so my mind stops concentrating on all the negative stuff and moves to a more positive place.

Do you sew or craft? Or do you have another hobby that helps you feel better?

Thank you for reading,
Christina

R U OK?

Today is R U OK?Day - We are encouraged to check in with each other today and ask the question 'Are you OK?', to stop little problems becoming bigger.

Almost 4 years ago I walked into my son's 3 months check up with my Child Health nurse. I was a shell of a person, barely coping and feeling totally isolated from my world.
I had no idea I needed help, I would not have had any idea of how to ask for it, but I needed it badly.

I was very lucky & blessed to meet Christie my child health nurse that day, after checking over my son, whilst glancing at me constantly, she sat down next to me and said "are you alright"? I said "I think so, I'm not sure".
If she had not have asked me if I was OK, I do not wish to think how much worse I would have been. She made me acknowledge that something was wrong, that the little bubble I was living in, was not where I should be.
She saved me that day, saved me from myself, helped me to see that how I was feeling was not 'normal' and I needed help to get out of it.


Such a simple question isn't it? Yet so scary because you just don't know what to do if they say No I'm not OK. And yes the answer is sometimes scary and not straight forward. Since starting Mums Helping Mums PND support Network I have spoken to many other sufferers and most days my computer screen is filled with Mums who are not ok. It's scary and sometimes confronting, but If I and others had not started such support networks, where would these amazing women go when they are not ok?

How to say 'I'm not ok'
(for further info please visit here)

There are many ways you can access support, including:

• Calling a crisis line for immediate help
• Visiting your local doctor
• Talking to someone you trust
• Making an appointment to see a counsellor or psychologist

 Help lines

• 1800 RUOKDAY (7865 329) - This number connects you to five of Australia's crisis and information lines: Lifeline, Suicide Call Back Service, Kids Helpline, SANE Australia helpline and beyondblue Info Line.
• PANDA 1300 726 306 - PANDA's telephone information, support and referral service
• Lifeline 13 11 14 - 24/7 telephone crisis support
• SANE Australia - 1800 18 SANE (7263) - Telephone mental illness advice and referrals
• beyondblue - 1300 22 4636 - Info line for depression, anxiety and related disorders.

I'd be totally OK with Hugh Jackman

You don't need to be a professional, just pick up the phone and call family or a friend and check in to make sure they are OK. Open your ears, listen without judgement and be prepared to follow through. A simple conversation could help someone or even save them.

R U Ok? Please comment below or contact me here if you need support today or any day.

• R U Ok?day website
• R U Ok?day Facebook
• R U Ok?day Twitter

Thank you for reading,
Christina

            

What is Postnatal Depression and what are the symptoms?

What is Postnatal Depression?
(Now referred to as Perinatal Depression)

Many Mums will experience some degree of mood swings following the birth of their baby, commonly referred to as The Baby Blues. However Postnatal Depression refers to a more severe or prolonged experience of depression. The depression will last for more then a week and interferes with the Mothers ability to function on a daily basis with the normal routine, including in most cases caring and/or bonding with their baby.

The below is taken from the The Black Dog Institutes website

For around one in seven women the stresses and emotional changes that accompany their postnatal experiences can be intense and include strong depressive mood swings, anxiety, social withdrawal, irritability and loss of enjoyment in usual activities.  Postnatal disorders can interfere with the developing relationship between a mother and her baby after birth (bonding and attachment) and impose strains upon the parental relationship as well as causing distress for women themselves.
Severe disorders require treatment and it is very important to tell your doctor or midwife about current symptoms of distress as well as any past history or medication use.

How do I know if I have Postnatal Depression?

There are few symptoms to look out for and they are included in point form below...

• loss of enjoyment in usual activities/hobbies
• loss of self-esteem and confidence
• loss of appetite and weight or increased appetite and weight gain
• Sleep disturbance unrelated to baby's sleep needs
• sense of hopelessness and being a failure
• a wish not to be alive
• panic attacks
• loss of libido
• fears for baby’s or partners safety or wellbeing.
• Crying or not being able to cry
• Inability to cope
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Negative, morbid or obsessive thoughts
• Fear of being alone or fear of being with others
• Memory difficulties and loss of concentration
• Feeling guilty and inadequate
• Thoughts of harm to self, baby or suicide

Keeping it real.
My personal Description of what Postnatal Depression is

For me Postnatal Depression was like someone just took my life and swapped it with a new one I'd never lived before. Suddenly everything I knew, everything I was comfortable with was gone.
It's like I went to sleep and woke up with a screaming baby. Any ounce of confidence and self esteem I had before that moment was gone.

I lost enjoyment in everything, I no longer wanted to leave the house, I did not even enjoy holding the baby, hated the breast feeding, hated getting out of bed. I stopped eating and got sick, could not sleep in the precious few hours I could actually sleep. Kept all the curtains closed and avoided sunlight. I always felt like I was failing at whatever i was doing, I used to cry because the kettle would not boil fast enough or if I missed a TV show.
I had constant nightmares & thoughts of dropping my baby or losing him. I spent every day in a ball of anxiety & always on the verge of panic.
But most of all I was just plain old miserable! I was just unable to smile or see anything other then misery in everything, I was walking around unable to feel or think. You could have stabbed me in the foot with a sharp object and I would not be able to react....I was just walking around in some kind of fog and when I try to think back to the first 12 weeks (the worst of the sleep deprivation) I honestly could not tell you anything, I just don't remember.

Asking for help is often the hardest part of the recovery and second to that is accepting treatment...but I promise you that it's worth it and it's OK.

It is very important to seek help if you are experiencing any distressing symptoms. Please make contact with your GP, Midwife, or Child Health Nurse.

The information I have provided is very brief, for more information I recommend you speak to your GP, or Child Health Nurse. Also the websites below are an excellent resource I always refer back to...

PANDA - Post and Antenatal Depression Association

Blackdog Institute - Depression in Pregnancy & Postnatal 

BeyondBlue - Beyond Baby Blues

Question!

Postnatal Depression.....How would you describe it to someone who has not been through it? ~ Christina

Thank you for reading and sharing,
Christina
MumsHelpingMumsPND